Chao

I can't believe I'm leaving the day after tomorrow! It really is crazy to think that this month is already over...I think I've done a good job of enjoying the city and soaking up the culture, although the volunteering aspect of it didn't work out exactly as I planned.

Yesterday, I was sitting out on the balcony reading my book, when I saw a man and girl sitting outside the bank begging for money. I know that the man isn't legitimately poor, because he used his bank card to let me into the bank the first day I was here, but I felt really sorry for the little girl. Usually, I don't think that pity goes a very long way, but I couldn't help but realize that I had been sitting out there feeling sorry for myself because I was going back to the states, and this little girl was sitting out on the streets in the cold. So, I got up, went downstairs, and bought her an alfajor at the kiosko by our residence. I gave the man (I hesitate to call him her dad, because I have a feeling that he isn't) the left over change, and handed the alfajor to the little girl. He said thanks, took the cookie from her and put it in his backpack. I walked away, and then felt compelled to ask why she wasn't eating it. He tried to tell me that she had just eaten french fries and that she didn't need the cookie right now, and I realized that she wasn't going to get it after all. I don't know what to do about it. I haven't seen them since last night, but I want to buy her another one, but give it to her open this time, so he can't take it from her. I made him promise to let her eat it later, but I don't trust that he'll hold his promise.

So that's about all the volunteering I did while I was here. That sucks. I came to BA with the idea that I was going to make some sort of difference to someone, but I couldn't even help one little girl.

Other than my failure in service, I think that I have gotten a lot from the trip. My Spanish has improved tenfold and I have definitely changed my point of view on life in a lot of aspects. I have met incredible people who have made me think, which is something that I think I have been avoiding in the last few years. I don't know what is going to happen when I go home, but I can only hope that it will be something good. I guess we'll just have to see.

It's sad, because I know that once I leave here, it will most likely be 3 years before I see the city again, I'm going to try and work for the next few years (at least during the summer), so that I can make a trip around the world in the future. There is so much out there that I want to see, but I need to save some money and PLAN that adventure, rather than just jump into it with my eyes closed.

I've got responsibilities at my doorstep when I get home, and that's okay. I'm going to do my best to keep up with them, and to make every day count. But on the days when I don't make it count, on the days when I loaf around, or I neglect some sort of responsibility, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Life goes on, it continues, it doesn't stop for any mistake and it doesn't give you a chance to tie your shoelaces. You have to keep going, and that's what I'm going to do.

I probably won't write again before I leave, at least not on this blog, so if anyone has been keeping up with it (which I'll never know), I hope I have kept you entertained at the least. If I'm speaking only to myself, well, I don't need to say anymore.

Chao, por fin.

Viernes

Well, I'm laying in bed trying to decide what to do with my life. And by my life, I mean the rest of this grey day in Buenos Aires.

But in a sense, I do sort of mean my life. I haven't volunteered at all in the last 3 weeks! I'm really getting kind of worried about this, because the honest truth is just that it didn't work out with my school schedule at all, and due to the amount of time I'm here for, I couldn't do the only project that I could go to. The thing is, I feel like I should be coming up with something I can do on my own that would make up for the fact that I haven't done anything that I even consider slightly beneficial to this community, other than being polite to people. I've learned a lot about illiteracy though, which is kind of cool, so maybe I should switch my focus from volunteering to researching. The thing is, I don't really know how to do that! I guess it's just something I'm going to have to figure out on my own...

I don't want to be even the slightest bit touristy this week, oh man, I can't believe I'm really going home a week from tomorrow! That just doesn't seem like any time at all. Granted, I've only been here three weeks so far, but still, this has flown by. I have come to the grand conclusion that I really want to take a year after I graduate and travel. I know how cliche that sounds, but I think if I work hard the next three summers, save as much money as I can, and if I plan everything correctly, I can make it happen. I can take one year and see as many things as I can; I want to go to Asia, Australia, the Middle East, Europe, Africa, and come back to South America of course. I like the idea of being constantly on the move. I'm ITCHING to do it too. I wish I could go now! But I have to think ahead.

Ah. I'm going to come home a very different person. Well, maybe not very different, but different enough. Just reading through the journal I've been keeping here, I've noticed how much my thoughts have changed and matured since I got here. It's a little more intimate than this blog is, because obviously I don't have a clue who-if anyone-is reading this, but I have gone from one extreme to the other in there. Looking back on the last three weeks, I think I can see three different people. I don't know what's going to happen when I get home. One day I know exactly what I want, and the next day I want the opposite. I feel bad that I'm one of those people who just disappears for a while, but...I don't know, sometimes I just can't feel like socializing. I feel bad that I didn't get to see a lot of people before I left to come here, but I'm almost relieved that I'm going home to pretty much just my mom and my sister. I'm sure I'll be eating my words after about a week at home ha-ha, but as of right now, I'm looking pretty forward to it.

Chauu

En serio...demasiada lluvia

Instead of thinking today, I did a lot of talking.

I learned some new things about Argentina:

College is free.

There is no real recycling system; well, okay, they pay people to dig through the trash at night and find things that can be recycled. At first, I thought this was really disgusting, but once my friend explained that the only people who will do this for an actual job are homeless people and illiterate people, it made more sense, and I thought it was sort of a cool idea. But I still don't think it's very sanitary.

Argentines can be a little sensitive, so I worked on my cultural adaptation.

I think I learned more things but I don't really remember. All in all though, it was a good day. I feel happy and refreshed. I listened to some music that reminded me of home, and it made me a little homesick-ish, but for the most part it satiated my mountain longings.

I want to take more pictures, but unfortunately it's really ugly outside right now.

My newest favorite phrase in Spanish is "¡Qué feo!". I think it's such an adorable thing to say. Not when I say it, because my accent blows, but the way they say it just sounds very poetic and cute to me. I don't know how to explain it.

I have been talking in my sleep a lot recently and I don't know why!

Lluvia

Every day there is rain!! I love it and I hate it.

Today feels like such a good day for thinking-so I am going to do a lot of that.

Going off to the kiosko now to buy some thinking things and then I'm going to get sopping wet on the balcony. Left my chair out there last night while I was reading...bad call.

I'm not sure I've eaten anything besides alfajores, avocados, or pasta in the last 48 hours. None of those foods are very slimming.

Mejor

Hmm hmm hmm.

I think I have worn myself out physically and mentally and emotionally! Today I haven't even been able to read my book because my mind has been in 139085478 different places at once. So frustrating.

I don't consider myself a know-it-all. I'd say I'm of about average intelligence, I have enough common sense to survive, and I like to think that I'm at least reasonably mature for only being 19 years old. However, since I've been here, I've realized that I am much more naive than I formerly believed. Ha.

It's good though. Because I recognize when I'm being immature, and when I'm making stupid decisions, and when I'm taking things more seriously than I should. This week I'm going to try really hard to spend more time alone. I like everyone I'm meeting--I really do, but every day I feel like I might be pushing myself further away from the person I'm trying to come to terms with, on account of I'm always trying to have a good time.

I can't decide if it's a virtue or a vice that I have such an intense reaction to things that happen in my life. Sometimes I feel like it's telling of my age and other times I feel like it's telling of my character. I will not be more explicit than that because I know what I mean and I don't think anyone is reading this blog anyway, so it's good enough for me.

I understand without a doubt the importance of living here while I'm here. But at the same time I think that when my mind is in so many places, I should let it have free rein. Why would and why should I erase important things from my mind for the one month that I'm here? I love Buenos Aires. I'm taking full advantage of it. I'm meeting all kinds of incredible people and I'm learning a lot. But I'm still in touch with the reality that is waiting for me in 13 days. Because turning a blind eye to it doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't make me any better of a person.

I think that there are lots of things I need to work out in my head. I don't even need to analyze them, I just need to write down all of my thoughts and my feelings and just purge my brain!! I feel like a character from a Judy Bloom novel, but I don't care.

In other news, I believe I'm going to Uruguay this week to see a few friends which I'm really looking forward to. It will definitely be nice to get out of the city for a few days and I'm definitely ready for some more traveling. I can't believe I only have 13 more days here, that is really bizarre to me.

“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.”
-Edward Abbey

Inferma

Being sick at home is bad enough, but being sick here is the worst! I hate that I have to spend such a beautiful day laying in my bed, but not nearly as much as I would hate spending the weekend in bed, especially with the World Cup starting tomorrow!

I honestly have never really cared about the WC, but since I've gotten here it has been nearly as infectious as this stupid cold I picked up. It's like there is a tremor underneath the city, and tomorrow I feel like something is just going to skyrocket out of the middle of 9 de julio!

Drastically changing climates will make you sick. I keep hoping that while I'm asleep my body will just magically adjust and I'll wake up with a clear head and no fever. But no such luck. But you don't want to hear about my illness, so I'll give you some new updates.

Okay so I've been talking a lot to my roommate Ilaria, and recently our favorite topic of conversation has been our love lives-or in our cases, lack thereof. She dated this (gorgeous) guy for 10 years; he was an actor, she was a lawyer, and they were in love. But--when she wasn't working, he was and vice versa, and she wanted to be a judge, and that meant more schooling, and after 10 years (!!!) of making it work, they broke up and she came here.

I think it is so cool, and I admire her so much for not settling for less than what she wants. She definitely wouldn't have had to work, she could have lived an extravagant life-jetsetting across the world, but she wants a family, security; that's what is going to make her happy! When I listen to her talk about it, I think she's so brave, and so smart.

I just can't imagine being with someone for that long, and ending it all to do something else! I guess maybe it's not that love trumps all, you know? I'm kind of starting to wonder what kind of skewed views I have in my head that I never realized before. For example, why am I so baffled by the fact that she would leave someone she loved to pursue her dream? I guess I have this notion of "sacrifice" engrained in my head when it comes to love.

It's funny, next to her my own ramblings (or complaints, more like it) sound so petty, granted she has 9 years on me so I guess I'm petty in my own right. She has given me some very interesting perspective, which is good.

I keep having this weird temptation to create a different "self", like, I can be any person I want to be here, and nobody knows any different. I am however proud of myself for sticking to the actual me, and I feel like I have a better idea of who that person is after coming here alone.

I can't believe I've almost already been here for half of my trip. It is absolutely flying by! Don't want to talk about that now though...guess I'll lay back down and try to get over this cold.

Pensando

Well, woke up feeling more or less terrible today, my throat feels like I've been swallowing razor blades! Not surprising, I was probably due for another round of strep throat anyway.

We've been having nothing but sunshine here, so even though it's reasonably cold-I'm loving it. I'm getting much more accustomed to the fact that I'm in Argentina, I think that the original feeling of "Oh my god! I'm here! Ah!" has faded away, and I feel less like a stupid American and more like a normal traveler.

I didn't expect that I would be learning so much about myself here, I feel like I have collected these perfect vignettes of conversation, that completely capture feelings that I haven't been able to harness at home. I'm meeting some amazing people, people who open up and talk about things that they love, things that hurt them, and things that they wish they could change.

I've been thinking about this trail that gets people to where they are. I'm finding new reasons why I'm here every day, I'm realizing that I didn't just pick Buenos Aires out of a hat, but that it was ingrained in my subconscious through my experiences. Which is a little disappointing, I'll admit, because I like to feel like I'm spontaneous, but at the same time it's so perplexing and I don't even know how to describe it, it's like, I want to put my hands in it and figure out how my mind got me here.

I'm realizing who matters to me, I'm realizing that there isn't a right answer or a right decision and that things will bring themselves together in time. I'm also realizing that I need to work on budgeting my money, and that I need to learn how to cook something besides rice and beans.

I still don't know everything-obviously, and the big thing is, I'm not trying to know everything. I'm accepting when I'm wrong, I'm asking questions when I don't understand, and I'm doing everything I can to express myself. It's hard, because I want to be right, obviously, but I'm starting to like being wrong, because it means I'm learning things, and that's what I'm here for after all, to learn.

I know what I still need to work on. I need to focus on the fact that I'm still young and that I don't have to be serious all the time. But I also know that I have to recognize the things in my life that I'm not dealing with right now, and I have to understand that I'm going to have to deal with them at some point. I need to listen more. I need to understand more. I need to be a little easier on people, and I need to be a little easier on myself.

I've never felt like I was looking so forward to everything coming my way! Love it. So glad I'm here.

¡Clases y más!

Well, I started my classes on Monday and I'm really enjoying them so far. We do tons and tons of speaking, which is good for me because that's what I need the most help with for sure! So yeah, we go to the school, which is only about 3 blocks from where we live, and we have class for 2 hours, then take a 20-30 minute break, and go to class again for another 3 hours.

After that, the day is ours! It's really nice, because we get a chance to just go out and discover the different neighborhoods in the city, and there are a LOT of them. A day or two ago we went to San Telmo, which is about 20 blocks from where we live. Found a really funky little bookstore, along with some cute clothing shops. One of the things I've noticed here is that things are not as cheap as you might think! You figure, oh it's South America, I can get stuff for way less! But not so haha. I mean, relatively yes, but hardly.

Today I'm doing something pretty touristy-a bus tour, but I figured it would give me a chance to see more things at once so I could figure out where I want to go back to and look into more. So I'm not going to class, but I am justifying it by seeing the rest of the city...haha. Anyway, that's all the updates I have for now, hopefully I"ll have some pictures to upload soon!